Beloved Community Through the Eyes of Togethering
Indianapolis First Friends Quaker Meeting
Pastor Bob Henry
October 12, 2025
Good morning, Friends and welcome to Light Reflections. This morning we continue our sermon series on Beloved Community by looking through the eyes of Togethering or Community. The scripture I have chosen to support my message is from Hebrews 10:24-25 from the New Revised Standard Version
And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
In 2011, I wrote an article that ended up in the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette. It was titled, “Community: From Buzz Word to Challenge”. In that article I started by saying that the word “community” is overused, misused, confused, and rather annoying at times. And I concluded by saying,
“Community is less about a great group of people who can make me feel loved and important and more about how I can make an effort to love those around me, and in turn, how together we can show God’s love to those around us.”
About this same time, a church in our area, that many of my students attended, started a sermon series on community. They passed out small bumper stickers for people to put on their cars that had only one word on them – Togethering. They literally made up a word to get people away from using the buzz word “community,” all to help people see it from a different perspective.
Since it is a bit awkward for us to say this week, Beloved Community Through the Eyes of Community – I Decided to utilize that word Togethering again this morning. Not only does it work better for the title of this message, but I think it also speaks to the depth of what we are talking about today.
So, what does Togethering look like in the Beloved Community?
Togethering is the ongoing, active work of a society where justice, equality, and love are inseparable, and people work to uplift and support one another. This involves creating inclusive communities through empathy, active listening, and shared experiences to overcome division and foster deep, supportive connections TOGETHER.
Building the beloved community through togethering is not a passive wait but a collective effort to transform souls and society through nonviolent action, creating a reconciled world free from fear, hate, and injustice.
To help us get a better perspective of what this looks like for us in our daily lives, I want to share some research from two authorities on the subject; Mick Brewer, PhD professor of communication studies at the University of Missouri and author of the Critical Interpersonal and Family Communication Pedagogy and Robert Waldinger, MD, a Harvard psychiatrist and author of the The Good Life. Charlotte Hilton Andersen summarized their work in an article titled, “Why Community is So Important – And How To Find Yours” in Reader’s Digest of all places.
Anderson points out that,
“Humans aren’t just social creatures—we’re basically golden retrievers with jobs. We need to belong. Whether it’s your circle of high school friends, office lunch group, church congregation or suspiciously competitive neighborhood trivia team, the desire to be part of a pack is one of humanity’s defining characteristics. Knowing how much we need human connection prompts us to ask: What is community, exactly?”
She goes on to quote the work of social scientist, Mick Brewer,
“Community gives us identity, meaning, support, security, purpose, safety, stability, love and connection…I don’t want to sound dramatic, but we don’t just need our communities to thrive—we need our communities to survive. When communities fall apart, nations crumble.”
He goes on to point out that,
On paper, a community is just a group of people unified in some purpose, But sitting next to 300 strangers at the DMV (BMV here in Indiana) doesn’t exactly feel meaningful, much less spark joy: You want people to actually know your middle name or your favorite cookie.
Proximity does not equal community.
The same is true for our Meeting. Just because we come each Sunday and sit in these pews, in proximity of each other, sadly doesn’t make us a community.
This is why I like to use the word “Togethering” because we have come to describe community as almost any gathering of people. But as Dr. Waldinger points out,
“True community is about meaningful connections with others on a regular basis. Wherever there’s shared interests, values or “I can’t believe we all survived that meeting” moments, you’ve got yourself a community.”
Dr. Waldinger must know something about Quakers – surviving meetings together is definitely a bonding and togethering experience.
But he also gets to the core of why we should be coming together at First Friends – it is about our shared interests and values, and our bonding around what we together feel is of value, especially to stick through a meeting together that could have probably been an email.
Folks, it isn’t just about the content of our meetings, but also about our togethering – our interaction with each other that is so important.
In 2013, I interviewed author, pastor and Friend, Phil Gulley about his then newly released book, “Living the Quaker Way.” I asked him about something he said regarding community in the book. He said our Quaker Values are best honed in the crucible of community. So, I asked him a more personal question about what community looked like for him in his life. I believe his response gets to core of what Togethering means. He responded,
“Well, I’ll tell you, it’s central to it…It gives me intimacy. It gives me a place where I can be vulnerable. It gives me a place where I can be held accountable. It provides deep joy for me, and companionship. As much as I love my wife and my sons, they are unable to provide every aspect of relationship that I need in my life.”
What Phil was getting at was wholeness and completeness. If you have been listening carefully to these messages, each week I have tried to point out how our S.P.I.C.E.S. or Testimonies are helping make us a people more whole or complete - and wholeness and completeness is all about our overall personal and communal well-being.
Did you know that according to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology in 2024, people with strong community support are better at handling everyday stresses. Researchers found that people who were part of healthy communities showed reduced cortisol (aka stress hormone) levels and greater heart-rate variability, two key indicators of stress levels.
Why would this be true? Earlier research suggests that our central nervous systems are wired for connection. When we’re around people we trust, our brains shift into “rest and digest” mode instead of “fight or flight” mode, according to acclaimed neuroscience researcher Dr. Stephen Porges. It’s called co-regulation—a fancy term for the way we calm each other down just by being together.
By TOGETHERING – there it is!
As well, togethering brings safety, and feeling safe is the foundation for, well, almost everything else, Brewer explains.
“Without emotional and physical safety, we can’t even begin to thrive.”
Community offers a built-in safety net: the friend who brings you a meal when you’re sick, the neighbor who texts about a suspicious person on your porch, the person who picks you up from your appointment to make sure you get home safely.
When you’re part of a togethering community, you have people you can depend on and who make you feel safe.
Dr. Waldinger also points out that not only is togethering good for our stress levels and feeling safe, but it is actually statistically proven to be good for our health. He says,
“One of the most surprising things we found in a century of data was that our relationships are one of the biggest factors in health, especially as we age…The size of the effect was huge! The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”
Think about this as isolation statistics continue to rise at alarming rates in our country and are now becoming some of the leading causes of death.
A massive study from the University of North Carolina (which was updated in 2024) found that strong social ties are as predictive of a long life as avoiding smoking and maintaining a healthy weight. Isolation, on the other hand, is linked to a 50% higher risk of early death. (Yikes.) And you don’t need a million friends to get this effect, Brewer says—you just need a few good ones who will stop you from turning into a stressed-out hermit.
It makes me think about the importance of Jesus being surrounded by his 12 disciples. Jesus was giving us an example of a good health practice and the importance of Togethering in this life.
As well, a study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that people with diverse social networks had lower levels of inflammation, better immune function and healthier blood pressure.
Think about that for a moment. Being only with people who think, look, respond, vote like you may be bad for your health.
So, while it’s not a panacea, engaging with a community and encountering some togethering is an important part of living a longer, healthier life.
Maybe, its time you and I return to knocking on a neighbor’s door and asking to borrow something?
· Need a tool to finish your DIY project?
· Missing that one spice that’s somehow is critical to your famous chili.
· Just need one more egg for that birthday cake you are making.
Good news: There’s probably someone on your street who’s got you covered—and probably can throw in a tip about how to make it better.
These little exchanges—chats over the fence, last-minute ingredient rescues, impromptu driveway counseling sessions—are the glue that holds communities together, Brewer says.
What is sad is that during COVID we were actually forced back into these exchanges, but once the danger was lifted, we slipped right back into our isolated lives.
When we pool or share our resources, everyone wins, and the bonds of the community are strengthened. Moments like these are what foster a sense of community and togethering.
But sadly, too often our instant availability has us getting online and ordering that spice from Amazon and having it delivered to our house (sometimes in less than an hour) or getting in that car and going to the grocery store instead of literally walking next door and talking to our neighbor.
My neighbor who is a contractor has lots of tools and stuff, and I have a limited assortment of basic tools. He and I often talk in our driveways. I usually am borrowing something from him, but this one night he asked if I had a caulking gun. He had misplaced his and needed one for his work the next day. I just happened to have a caulking gun and was able to let him borrow something from me. I was so glad he asked, and I felt so good that I could help him – especially with a tool rather than pastoral advice!
When you and I build friendships – another aspect of togethering within a community – compassion and empathy follow. Compassion rallies us to collect food and clothing for a family that has experienced a tragedy. When a fire consumed one of the student’s apartments at Sue’s school this past year, Brad Jackson helped us gather multiple pairs of shoes for the entire family. As well, many of you helped provide basic needs. It was togethering at its best.
Empathy also compels us to listen to another’s concerns and worries, because we know what it’s like to go through hard times.
When Elon Musk said, “The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy” I realized we really have a problem in our country. No matter what you think about Musk, empathy is not the problem unless you simply do not want to listen to or address other people’s concerns, worries, or hardships.
Saying empathy is the problem fundamentally goes against our values as Quakers no matter the context of that quote.
Dr. Waldinger said it so well,
“Simply put: The more faces you know, the more hearts you understand.”
That quote is a good place for us to wrap up our thoughts on Togethering. As I have done each week, I have provided some practical things we can do starting today to embrace our community and engage in some positive togethering:
1. Engage Actively: Show up consistently for your community through both scheduled gatherings and spontaneous interactions.
2. Cultivate Openness: Bring a spirit of curiosity and openness to interactions, and take small risks to be seen and witnessed by others.
3. Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to others, listen actively, and strive to understand their perspectives.
4. Foster Safety: Create environments where people feel safe to be themselves, free from judgment and fear.
5. Share Experiences: Engage in group activities, whether it's a meal, a project, or a recreational activity, to build common memories.
6. Address Barriers: Work to overcome obstacles to connection, such as past hurts or fear of rejection, by practicing empathy, forgiveness, and compassion.
Now, as we enter a time of waiting worship, let’s ponder our Togethering. I am providing a couple queries to help us ponder this morning.
· How does my community/togethering help create identity, meaning, support, security, purpose, safety, stability, love and connection?
· Are there any “little exchanges” I can have with my neighbors to create more community/togethering this week?
· What new “faces” might I get to know, so I may understand better their “hearts”?